United States Announces Plan to Invade the United States, Build Schools, Roads

The United States of America announced today that they are invading the United States of America. In a statement released by the American government, the White House announced that “the government of the United States is dysfunctional and has effectively abandoned the citizenry of the United States.” Citing specific instances that led to the decision to invade, a White House spokesman mentioned allowing the infrastructure of the country to fall into disrepair, high unemployment rates, exorbitant health care costs, failing schools and a failure to effectively budget tax revenues.

“Also,” the spokesman said, “there is a boatload of oil in some places.”

“Since the military is the only government entity still effectively functional, we’ve decided to invade the United States,” the spokesman said. “We plan on improving roads, building schools and bringing 21st century medical care to the overwhelmed populace. Private contractors will be employed to accomplish many of these tasks and they will hire local people in an effort to reduce unemployment.”

The occupation of the country is expected to last some time given the difficulty of the situation, the spokesman said. “Given the ineffectiveness of the government to accomplish even the most basic functions we anticipate a lengthy mission. Hopefully this humanitarian mission will enable the United States government to overcome its problems and once again become a fully functioning member of the global community.”