The Coin Machine

This one was just a little exercise to help me with dialogue. If you have any thoughts please drop me a line and let me know what you think.

(Two men enter a busy grocery store pushing a shopping cart containing a small child and two large buckets of loose change.)

Mark:
This one better work. I can’t believe we’ve been to two of these damn places and both of their machines were out of order.

Gary:
I know. It’s the easiest money you can make. You save up all this change and then the machine takes 9% for counting it.

Mark:
It’s not that bad, 9%. You know how long it would take me to count and roll two buckets of change?

Gary:
Yeah, I know, but 9%?

Mark:
My bank has a machine they provide for free. You just put it through and it spits out a receipt for you to give the teller. You can cash it out or deposit it or what have you.

Gary:
That was the first place we went, right? The first one that was out of order?

Mark:
Yeah. That’s why we’re here.

Gary:
You need the money today? You can’t wait until the bank fixes the machine?

Mark:
No, I want the money today. Tonya and I are on vacation this week and I planned on using this money to do stuff. Besides, it seems like every time I try to use the one at the bank it’s out of order.
(They walk up to the machine)

Mark:
You ever use one of these?

Gary:
No. I always send Betty and the girls to do this kind of stuff. How did you save so much change anyway? You got two buckets here.

Mark:
You know. The vending machines at work, change from the drive through when we get dinner out. That sort of thing. You don’t have a jar full of change somewhere?

Gary:
A few bucks maybe. Nothing like what you have here.
(They examine the machine.)

Gary:
It looks like you dump it into this little tray and tip it into this slot.

Mark:
Look how small the tray is! It’s going to take forever to feed all of this in here.

Gary:
It looks like you can only do a handful at a time.

Mark:
A handful? I’ve got two buckets here and an 18 month old kid. This is going to take forever.

Gary:
This is going to be like an hour’s worth of feeding change into that little tray.

Mark:
I can’t believe this.

Gary:
Are you going to do it?

Mark:
What else am I going to do? I’m here now. Why? Do you want to leave?

Gary:
I don’t care. I got nothing else going on today.

Mark:
All right. Let’s just get this over with.
(They begin feeding coins into the machine by the handful.)
Listen to that racket! Does it have to be so damn loud?

Gary:
Don’t look behind you but everyone at the checkouts is staring at us.

Mark:
No kidding. This thing is as loud as my lawnmower.

Gary:
Your son likes it.

Mark:
Willie! Put that change down. That’s not a toy. Just sit still.

Gary:
Is this whole bucket quarters?

Mark:
Yeah. That one is all quarters and this one is other mixed change.

Gary:
That’s a hell of a lot of quarters.
(A man walks up and looks over their shoulders at the machine.)

Mark:
Hi.

Man:
Hi. I just wanted to see how this thing worked. I’ve seen it here but never used it.

Mark:
Neither have we.

Man:
I’ve never even seen anyone use it. It doesn’t look like it goes very fast.

Mark:
No, it’s going to take a while.

Man:
You could be here all day. You should have rolled it and taken it to the bank.

Mark:
That would take longer.

Man:
I guess.
(The man wanders away.)

Gary:
That was helpful.

Mark:
Terrific insight.

Gary:
Hey, is that Tony Fenster?

Mark:
Where?

Gary:
In that line over there. See that guy staring at us?

Mark:
It might be. High school was fifteen years ago.

Gary:
Man, that guy was an asshole. Remember how he used to pick on everybody?

Mark:
I remember.

Gary:
Remember he used to call everyone a “fag”? You would be walking down the hall and he would just yell it out. Or push you into the lockers. Man, that guy was a dick.

Mark:
He looks like he’s going bald.

Gary:
Yeah and he put on some weight.

Mark:
Oh, man, he’s seen us.

Gary:
You think he recognizes us?

Mark:
He just waved.

Gary:
I told you not to look.

Mark:
I hate this.

Gary:
What?

Mark:
This whole thing where you run into people you went to school with. It’s always so uncomfortable.

Gary:
That’s true.

Mark:
If you liked people you went to school with, you probably stayed in touch with them, right? I mean I talk to you and Jimmy and that’s about it. I don’t care if I ever see anyone else again, especially an asshole like this guy.

Gary:
And it’s always in the most awkward circumstances. It’s always when you’re at the doctor’s office or something where you can’t get away.

Mark:
You’re right. It’s always some situation like that where you’re cornered and you can’t get away from them.

Gary:
And they always want to tell you their life’s story from graduation to how they landed at the doctor’s office.

Mark:
The doctor’s office is the worst. They always tell you about their problem and then give you all kinds of warnings about it.

Gary:
As if I care that they ate too much red meat and now they have to have a colonoscopy. Honestly, do I want to know someone is going to get a camera shoved up their ass?

Mark:
Did that really happen?

Gary:
Yeah, last year? No, two years ago. I ran into Bobby Nelson at my doctor’s office. He droned on for like 45 minutes. I could not get him to shut up.

Mark:
You know, we’re stuck here. I can’t just walk away from all this change and we’re not even half way done.

Gary:
I never have a good story to tell either. Everyone always has these amazing jobs or live someplace cool. I drive a tow truck at the same dealership I washed cars at in high school. How exciting is that?

Mark:
I know. Talking to these people is always like some job interview that just won’t end. You just run through your resume and realize you have nothing in common with them anymore except pictures in a year book. You think it’s exciting telling people you work in a travel agency office? I always run into someone who became a lawyer and moved to L.A. The stories are depressing.

Gary:
We should screw with him.

Mark:
Just make some stuff up? Like what?

Gary:
I don’t know. Just make up some crazy shit that will make his head spin. If he lives out of town it’s not like we’ll ever see him again.

Mark:
That’s sort of pathetic.

Gary:
So is real life.

Gary:
Well, here he comes. This should be unpleasant.
(Tony walks up.)

Tony:
I know you guys, right? Mark and…

Gary:
Gary. You’re Tony Fenster, right?

Tony:
Gary. Yeah that’s right. How have you guys been? I haven’t seen either of you since high school.

Mark:
Yeah. It’s been a long time.

Tony:
Cashing in some change, huh?

Mark:
Yeah, we have a vacation coming up and I had a bunch of this stuff lying around.

Tony:
Wow. It must have taken you a year to save this.

Mark:
About that, yeah.

Tony:
So do you guys ever keep in touch with anyone else from the old gang?

Gary:
The old gang?

Tony:
Yeah, you know, anyone else we went to school with?

Mark:
Just Jimmy.

Tony:
Wow, Jimmy! I haven’t thought about him in years. I kind of lost track of everyone after graduation. I went to school out west.

Mark:
Oh yeah?

Tony:
Uh-huh. I’m a lawyer with a firm in San Francisco. We specialize in family law.

Gary:
Really? San Francisco?

Tony:
So what do you guys do?

Gary:
I manage the Ford dealership here in town.

Tony:
Wow, that must be nice.

Gary:
I do okay. I own a little piece of it so the money’s pretty good.

Tony:
How about you, Mark?

Gary:
Mark here is a realtor. Sold more houses than anyone else in his firm two years running.

Mark:
I, uh, I’ve been very lucky.

Gary:
And this is our son William.

Tony:
Your son?

Gary:
Yeah. Mark and I are together, you know?

Tony:
As in “together” together?

Mark:
What?

Gary:
Don’t try to hide it, Mark. Tony here is in family law. I’m sure he sees situations like ours all the time, especially in San Francisco.

Mark:
I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear all of this. It was nice to see you, Tony, but I’m sure you have places to go.

Tony:
No, it’s okay. I can stop and talk to some old pals for a couple minutes. And you are absolutely right, Gary. My firm sees a lot of gay couples with adoption issues.

Gary:
Oh, William wasn’t adopted. Mark’s sister gave birth to him. We used my…

Mark:
What? I really don’t think Tony wants to hear all of this.

Tony:
Oh, so she carried the baby for you after you…

Gary:
Donated. It was in vitro.

Tony:
I see. That was very generous of her.

Gary:
So he’s really Mark’s nephew and his son. Weird, huh?

Tony:
No, no, I’d call it incredibly generous.

Mark:
You would?

Tony:
Sure. I can only hope that someone is that generous to me someday.

Mark:
Excuse me?

Tony:
Well, not a lot of people back here in town know this but I’m gay.

Gary:
Really?

Tony:
I never let anyone know. I was always so embarrassed and repressed about it. Remember that tough guy act I used to put on? I always called people names and got into fights. I never dealt with it very well at all. I have so many people I should apologize to.

Gary:
Well, that’s understandable. In a small town like this the pressure can be very demanding.

Mark:
Tony, you really don’t have to…

Tony:
Oh but I do, Mark. I tormented people relentlessly and it was only because I was afraid of my own feelings.

Gary:
I know. I know that pain so well.

Mark:
Gary, come on. I don’t think you really had it that rough. Certainly not as rough as Tony here.

Tony:
But that’s because he had you, Mark. Isn’t that right? I remember you guys used to hang out all the time.

Gary:
He was my rock.

Tony:
If only someone had been there for me. Things would have been so much easier. I wound up in therapy for years but it all worked out in the end. Now I’m confident in who I am and how I feel.

Gary:
That’s really the most important thing.

Mark:
So what are you doing in town? Visiting family?

Tony:
No, no, I’ve decided to move back. My father is sick and he needs someone to take care of him.

Mark:
So you’ll be here in town, huh?

Tony:
For a while. I just got here two days ago and I need to set up shop. Maybe I can come see you about renting a house, huh? You should know of a few good ones.

Mark:
You know, I wish I could help but I quit last week to be a stay at home dad.

Tony:
Oh, wow, that is so cool! If I ever have kids I’m going to do the same thing. But hey, I’ll need a car, Gary. I didn’t have one out west.

Mark:
You should stop by his dealership tomorrow morning, Tony. He’s always ready to make deals toward the end of the month.

Tony:
Hey, I always try to support the ‘brotherhood”, you know what I’m saying? You have to support those who support you.

Mark:
I know what you mean. Gary here has a little discount he can swing since you’re “in the know”.

Gary:
Well it’s not all that great. Sometimes the principal owner forgets I’m even a partner.

Tony:
Anything would be great, Gary. Man, was I lucky I ran into you guys. We should go out sometime. Have a drink.

Mark:
Well, we’d like that but Gary has a little substance abuse problem.

Gary:
Oh, come on!

Mark:
No, no, don’t try to hide it. You know how you get when you drink. Remember all the little lies? The emergency room visits?

Gary:
Oh, I think an emergency room visit is going to be in order.

Tony:
Well, I’ll see you guys later. Gary, I’ll be in early tomorrow about getting a car. I’m glad to do my part to get those sales up.

Gary:
Great. I’ll see you then.
(Tony walks away.)

Mark:
You were right. That was fun.

Gary:
You’re an asshole.

Mark:
What are you talking about?
(The machine comes to a stop.)
Hey, look at that! Six hundred and twenty-seven bucks! Who would have thought you could save up that much spare change in a year.

Gary:
He’s going to be at my dealership tomorrow morning. What the hell am I going to do, give him a ride in my tow truck?

Mark:
I’m sure you’ll come up with something. You have a very good imagination.

The End

WKRP Turkey Drop

Easily one of the funniest sitcom episodes in the history of television. A true Thanksgiving classic.

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

Diet Coke and Mentos

I've just figured out how this whole embedding a video in your blog thing works so bear with me while I throw up a few of my favorites. This one shows what happens when you mix Mentos and Diet Coke. Neat stuff.

Gamers Fight for Their Right to Stand in Line for the Playstation 3

This is hilarious. A couple guys whine about the treatment they are getting at the Circuit City in Dublin, CA. Apparently they don't understand why Circuit City wouldn't want people lined up outside their doors with food and their laptops spread out on the sidewalk. They proceed to cry to the people on the customer service line.

The best part is when they ask if no cars in the parking lot overnight means the Chuck E. Cheese lot as well.

It's just sad.

Gaming Addicts Mortage Houses, Sell Children to Buy the New Playstation 3

As you can see from the screenshot above, gaming enthusiasts are willing to pay big bucks for Sony's new Playstation 3. On-line auctions are burning up as players try to secure a machine for themselves. The pressure is so intense to have the bragging rights of first owner on the block that some players have broken down and bid more money than they will ever earn in their lifetime (well not really but it's close).

People have been shot waiting in line for the gaming consoles. It's November, and a particularly wet and cold November at that, but people have waited in line for more than two days for the limited supply of Playstations available. There are only 400,000 consoles available for sale nationwide and the cost ranges between $500 and $600.

We're a long way from the old Atari 2600 I grew up with.

In addition to games, the PS3 plays Blu-ray Disc DVD's. Read here for a review on that capability. This new direction, building consoles that are more entertainment system than simply a gaming system, will be exciting in the next decade. I think it will take at least that long, perhaps three or four generations of systems before something comes along that will play movies, play music and play games well enough that I'm willing to fork over $600.00. For that kind of money you can by a very nice PC that lets you do all of those things as well as game online at high speed.

As nice as this system is, I don't see the need to risk pneumonia or a stick up to have one by standing in line on the first day they are available.

Marc Dann's Senate Seat Should Not be a Political Reward

"Outgoing state Sen. Robert F. Hagan of Youngstown, D-33rd, told The Vindicator in a Sunday article that J.J. Cafaro, the father of Capri Cafaro, a candidate to replace Dann, is "actively lobbying on her behalf. He's passed out a lot of money to the caucus and to individual members. Everyone knows money is the mother's milk of politics."

This is the most truthful statement any area politician has ever made. Of course money will play a part in picking a replacement for Marc Dann's vacataed Senate seat; how could it not when you need so much of it to get elected and then even more to stay in office? Why are these other members of the caucus acting shocked by what Hagan said?

I've got nothing against Capri Cafaro but if she wants an elected office she's simply going to have to win an election. Dann's vacant seat should be filled by someone acting as a caretaker, who won't want to be re-elected. That's the only way to keep it from being a reward to a wealthy donor or a first step into politics for those who lack experience. The $30,000 in camapign contributions the Cafaro family gave Dann for his camapign to be Attorney General and the question of Ms. Cafaro's legal residency cast too many shadows for her to be a candidate for this position. Given her two failed Congressional campaigns, her inclusion as a candidate for this suddenly vacant Senate seat smacks of opportunism.

In case the state Democrats need reminding, most Republicans holding offices up for re-election this month were removed from them by voters who are tired of corruption. Even if the Democratic caucus feels she is the most qualified person, by picking Ms. Cafaro to finish Dann's term, they will be giving the impression that it's business as usual in Columbus. If voters perceive that back door deals and wealth can lead to a seat in the state Senate then the newly elected Democrat's integrity will be irreparably harmed before they are sworn in.

The best thing Ms. Cafaro can do for the party is to remove herself from consideration and set her sights on the next campaign she would like to conduct.

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War

You remember where you were when the zombies first attacked, don't you? You may have been in your home watching news reports of the undead attacking people in isolated villages in far away countries or you may have been walking home one night and realized the guy shuffling toward you didn't seem quite... right.

Suddenly they were everywhere, smashing their way into homes and overwhelming the local police. Your family evacuated in a mad dash, trying to find refuge anywhere you thought animated corpses couldn't find you. Unfortunately, your meager supplies ran low and there seemed to be no escape from the swarms of the walking dead.

Wait a second. What do you mean none of that happened? What do you mean you don't remember it?

You will. As soon as you begin reading Max Brooks riveting novel, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, you will swear you remember events that never took place. Written in the style of Studs Terkel's The Good War, this novel captures interviews with the survivors that managed to live through the rise of the undead. Interviews range from politicians who are in charge of recliaming the land to the soldiers, sailors and pilots of many nations who defended humanity and eventually turned back the tide of unliving bodies.

The stories Brooks tells could be removed from yesterday's front page. Tales of refugees in hard circumstances are unfortunately commonplace today and his fictional accounts ring true to those following current events. The overwhelming message of hope that the book delivers is in stark contrast to other works in the genre that depend on humanity being wiped out by the sheer numbers of the undead to get the horror across. In this novel, the characters share the horror they endured in becoming survivors. I thoroughly enjoyed this captivating read.

The only downside is that you will start wondering about your personal escape plan in case...well, you know. It just takes those two little words to pop into your mind (what if?) and you will be wondering how long it will take you to board up the house and how many cans of beans are in the pantry.

It's the Economy, Stupid! Or, What Democrats Need to Accomplish Right Away

Winning both houses of Congress last Tuesday was an outstanding accomplishment by the Democratic party. When this Congress is sworn into session in January 2007, they will have the opportunity to pass legislation that will truly be in the interest of the American people. House Speaker Designate Nancy Pelosi has already stated that raising the Federal minimum wage will be the first item on the agenda. This legislation will pass both houses with little debate and I predict that even the president will sign it with little more than mild grumbling. After that, things will get tough for the new liberal legislature.

The Democrats cannot afford to stumble on important issues such as security and the economy during their first months in office. To do so will make them seem disjointed and give evidence to the notion that they were not so much elected for their ideology as simply a vote against President Bush's policies.

The top priority must be the economy. No other issue affects so many Americans so immediately.

The most important thing that Democrats can accomplish is bringing attention to the practice of outsourcing. Too many jobs have been lost overseas because American workers cannot compete with the low wages earned by workers in third world countries. In order to sieze this issue as their own, Democrats need to present the argument raised in Lou Dobbs' book in a way that appeals to workers regardless of their party affiliation. The American market place is the most lucrative in the world. Democrats should leverage access to the marketplace against the importation of goods. In short, if companies want to sell their goods here, they should be required to produce a certain percentage of those goods here or face limitations on the number of goods allowed in. That percentage does not need to be large but it should be significant enough to get Americans back to work in good paying jobs.

Voters will see this as a common sense approach to the problem of their neighbors losing their jobs. Everyone in America realizes that employment helps more people than a government program. The more people work, the less people are on welfare and other social programs. The issue of outsourcing affects both blue collar workers and white collar professionals so support for it would be very high. The effect of putting people back to work increases income tax revenue so taxes will not have to be raised. The deficit will shrink due to the increased tax revenue and Democrats will be seen as more fiscally responsible than their Republican counterparts who allowed the debt to increase so dramatically.

If Democrats are seen as the party that help people get back to work and do so by forcing corporations to live up to their responsibilities as good citizens, they will easily hold the legislature in 2008 and strengthen their base for the presidential election. Let the Republicans stand in opposition to Americans getting jobs by calling such common sense measures protectionist. The Democrats will be seen as the party of ideas and not just the party in opposition to the Republicans.

This Discover Card Commercial is Freaky

The Discover Card commercial with the scissors walking around gives me the heebie jeebies. I know they thought it was a cute idea to have people feeding their old credit cards to scissors that flocked around them like pigeons but all I can think about is how clumsy I am at times and how much it would hurt if I tripped while giving them my Mastercard.

The still frame above shows that the guy in the elevator clearly wasn't expecting to be cornered buy animated cutting utensils. I think his best bet is to close that door and push the button for the top floor.

Alltel Sucks the Fat Weenie

As part of my ongoing effort to protect the residents of the Mahoning Valley from the tyranny of evil men, I thought I would share a little public service announcement with everyone. My current cell phone comany, Alltel, is a loose conglomeration of middle management morons, human resource hobbits and billing mental midgets.

I've never been particularly happy with my cell phone service from Alltel. I frequently travel in western Pennsylvania and therefore frequently have calls dropped during conversations. It's exactly like those commercials describe; one minute I'm speaking with someone and then suddenly I get the feeling that I'm talking to myself. I am, of course, because their coverage around West Middlesex resembles the swiss cheese slice you had on your lunch today.

Their billing statements are written with the sole purpose of driving people insane. The same information is repeated on line after line but under different headers so you can never really tell what you are paying for or how much you are being charged. It's clear that as government workers who used to write tax code are laid off, Alltel is hiring them for their billing department.

Let's not even get started on their human resources department. Whoever is in charge of discipline and record keeping is as useful as a traffic light on Rt. 224; they stand around all day looking busy but people keep having accidents. You see, someone I know was recently fired for the vaguest of reasons. No verbal warning, no written warning, just a vague recollection from a meat puppet of a manager that a conversation had taken place in the spring regarding making sure someone was on the other end of the line if your phone was off the hook.

That's right, some tool of a manager thought this person was faking being on calls. It didn't matter that the person in question had the highest number of calls per hour in her group, it only mattered that a computer record showed the infraction might have happened. Oh, and this manager thinks that maybe, six months ago, he might have had a conversation with this employee regarding a similar incident. We don't know for sure because this Office Space cliche of a boss couldn't produce a written record when asked. I guess discipline at Alltel is like their service, spotty in some places and non-existent in others.

So folks, if you were thinking of working at Alltel locally, understand what you are getting into. They treat employees badly and fire on a whim. But hey, if you want to work in a cube farm ruled by petty tyrants who take out their personal frustrations about their inability to get a real job on the people working for them, go ahead.

Me? I'd rather beg for spare change on the street. The conditions are better.

Bad News for Youngstown

Youngstown received bad news this week when it was ranked 9th most dangerous city in the United States by Morgan Quitno Press. The annual rankings of the safest and most dangerous cities tallies state and local statistics in an easy to read format. Sadly, this news comes as no shock to residents of the Mahoning Valley. As this article shows, the city has seen four homicides this week alone.

Crime in Youngstown is nothing new but this year seems to be uglier than most. So far this year, 27 people have been murdered, the most spectacular occurring during a pee wee football game.

Clearly, something needs to be done. Youngstown, like it or not, is the heart of the Mahoning Valley. The suburbs have a vested interest in city crime being brought under control. If crime is allowed to flourish within the city limits, it will become organized and spread. Businesses are already fleeing the city. It makes sense that criminals will follow.

To alleviate the problem, Youngstown's leaders need to look at what has worked in the past. A few years ago a serious dip in crime was attributed to police arresting people for minor violations and therefore removing criminals from the street before they could commit more serious crimes. Unfortunately that option is limited because the jail is underfunded and is not being used to it's full capacity. The county needs to make funding a priority so more minor criminals can be taken out of circulation.

Block watches have been enacted on the city's south side and have proven effective in identifying trouble spots in neighborhoods. This citizen action is important because it empowers city residents and makes them feel like part of the solution. Neighbors generally know who the bad apples in the area are and funneling that info to the police is an effective way to prevent crime.

The broken windows theory for controlling crime seems to apply here but city leadership needs to embrace it. Basically, the theory says:

"Consider a building with a few broken windows. If the windows are not repaired, the tendency is for vandals to break a few more windows. Eventually, they may even break into the building, and if it's unoccupied, perhaps become squatters or light fires inside. Or consider a sidewalk. Some litter accumulates. Soon, more litter accumulates. Eventually, people even start leaving bags of trash from take-out restaurants there or breaking into cars." [1]

Enforcing the laws at a nuisance level prevents crime at a more serious level. It's a theory that has worked in the past and it should be employed again. All it needs is the will of the people in the whole county, not just the city.

Hubbard Gets Three Schools for the Price of One With Bond Issue

Hubbard schools can build three new buildings for the price of one if a 5.5 mills bond issue passes on November 7th. The bond issue raises 18 million dollars for the new construction while the State of Ohio provides another 40 million dollars through a grant. In total, 58 million dollars will pay for three new buildings to be located on a campus set on Hall ave.

This is a no brainer. Hubbard will never be able to afford to construct three new buildings at once and the state offer is a one time deal. The buildings would be state of the art with modern facilities, handicap accessible and climate controlled. Students will have a comfortable, safe environment to learn in.

Read more about it here and vote yes on November 7th.